CARING FOR YOURSELF WHEN CARING FOR A LOVED ONE WITH CANCER

By Emma Peterson, Chaplain, Wheaton Franciscan Healthcare – Covenant Hospital When you’re caring for a loved one battling cancer, you probably know every detail about their treatment and health. You can list their medications with ease, and you know just how to soothe whatever side effects their grueling treatment has saddled them with. You know how much they’re eating, whether or not they’re sleeping, and if their spirits are up, or if they’ve been blue lately. But do you know how you’re doing? Caregivers often lose touch with their own well-being when they focus all of their energy on caring for someone else. Here are five signs that you may be careening towards caregiver burnout, and what you can do to stop it. • You’re seriously emotional, or totally numb - You may feel angry and frustrated one minute, and despairing and sad the next. You feel like your emotions are out of control, or maybe you don’t feel much of anything. This could indicate emotional exhaustion. Pay attention if you feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of tears, or find yourself losing your temper over little things. • You can’t sleep, or you can’t get out of bed - Wacky sleep patterns often indicate burnout. Do you feel exhausted after a full night’s sleep? Or do you wake up in the middle of the night, and can’t get back to bed? If your sleep habits have shifted dramatically, it could indicate a high level of stress.  • You keep getting sick - Stress and burnout lowers our immune system. If you can’t seem to stay healthy, and are sniffling your way through summer, it could indicate caregiver fatigue. • Your friends say you seem “out of it” - Do your friends and family comment that you “don’t seem like yourself,” or are they always asking you what’s wrong? Are you snapping at people over nothing? Or worse, are you backing out of plans or avoiding seeing people because you’re so exhausted and overwhelmed? If the people who know you best suggest you’re acting differently, it may be time to listen to them. • You can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself- All of your socks have holes in them, and your fingernails are ragged and worn out. You haven’t been to the gym for so long your membership has lapsed. The new novel you’ve been meaning to read has an inch of dust on its cover. If you can’t remember the last time you saw a friend for lunch, or went to church, or yoga class, it may indicate you’re stretched too thin. \ So what can you do if you’re feeling the effects of caregiver burnout? Here are five ways to take care of yourself. • Talk to someone! - Talking is how our brains work out a problem, and relieve stress. Don’t bottle up your feelings or try to ignore them! Being a caregiver is HARD! Make an appointment with a therapist. Request a visit from a chaplain the next time you take your loved one to the doctor. Invite a friend for a walk and let them know you need a listening ear. • Banish guilt! - Don’t feel guilty about needing a break. Caring for a loved one with cancer is one of the most taxing things anyone can do. Be easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel tired, or grouchy. When you start to spin in to a cycle of guilt and negative self-talk, stop, breathe and re-set your mind. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. • Self-care is soul care! - You must do at least one thing each day that is only for you. Get a manicure. Spend 45 minutes doing light exercise. Call an old friend. Take a bath. “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Replenish your resources by taking the time each day to care for yourself. • Practice mindfulness! - Breathe in. Count to 3. Breathe out. Count to 3. Repeat as necessary. Developing small practices of mindfulness re-sets our brains. Allow yourself to breathe, relax, and release tension, worry and stress. Develop a practice of mindfulness. Each night before bed, list three things you are grateful for. Try not to become overwhelmed by negativity. • Ask for help! - You can’t do this alone. Establish a network of relatives, friends or people in the community you can call on. Schedule a family meeting to discuss how responsibilities can be delegated. Make it clear you aren’t available to host the Labor Day barbeque, or run the church can drive. When people offer to help, take them up on it! Carry a to-do list so you can accept gracious offers of support. Join a local or online support group so you can connect with others and gather ideas for coping better. Create a system of supportive community to hold you up when you feel like falling down.