GRIEF: WHAT IT IS, AND HOW TO COPE

By Nicole Alber, BSW Bereavement Coordinator, UnityPoint at Home Hospice  Grief is the emotional suffering you feel after someone or something is taken away. It is a natural and necessary response. The feeling may be overwhelming. Often, grief is associated with the death of a loved one. However, grief can be associated with any loss. Examples would include: loss of heath, such as a cancer diagnosis, serious illness of a loved one, divorce, loss of financial stability, miscarriage, retirement, death of a pet, etc. What are the 5 Stages of Grief? Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss Psychiatrist, wrote her book On Death and Dying, where she introduced her five stage grief model. Since writing the book, Kubler-Ross notes that everyone may not experience all of these stages or any of these stages. In addition, she notes that these stages are not linear. Not linear, meaning this is not a process we move through in sequential stages. Grief is not something we start after a loss and reach an endpoint after we have gone through the states. Grief is always with us. • Denial is the first stage of grief. We may go numb and the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. During this stage, we are in a state of shock and denial. These both help us to cope and make survival possible. As time passes and you become stronger, the denial begins to fade. • Anger is the second stage in the five stages of grief. It is common to feel anger towards your friends, family, doctors, yourself, etc. It may be a necessary part of the healing process. Under the anger you feel, is the pain. It is normal to feel abandoned during this time. • Bargaining is the next stage and it can happen before or after the loss that is causing you grief. It is the ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ statements that begin to play like a record in our minds. For example, “What if we would have found that tumor sooner?” These thoughts cause us to find fault in ourselves. • Depression is the stage where our attention moves to the present. This stage often feels like it is going to last forever. Often, it feels like we are in a fog of sadness. We begin to withdraw from visiting loved ones, participating in activities we love, etc. It is important to know that depression is not a sign of mental illness as depression is normal when going through grief. • Acceptance is the stage about accepting the reality that someone or something has been taken away. It is about recognizing that this is a new normal. It is not to be confused with the notion of being ‘okay’ with what happened, or this new reality but instead, accepting it. At this stage, we may learn how to live with it. Many times, we feel that we are betraying our loved ones as we begin to enjoy our life again. Although our loved ones cannot be replaced, we are able to reach out to make new connections. What are Common Symptoms of Grief? Symptoms of grief can include physical symptoms, spiritual symptoms and social symptoms. Examples of these symptoms include: anger, anxiety, crying, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, feelings of detachment, guilt, headaches, loss of appetite, worry, etc. What are Ways of Coping with Grief? The most common methods of treating grief include counseling and medication. Counseling provides you with different coping strategies that help you deal with grief in an effective way. Counseling includes bereavement groups, individual counseling and support groups. Secondly, medication can be used to help you operate more fully during the day or sleep at night. Seek treatment from a health professional or mental health provider if you are having a hard time coping with your loss. In conclusion, grief is just as unique as each of us. It does not come with a time frame or end on a certain day.