Pink Isn’t Just a Color Anymore

by Jodie Muller

One morning during the summer of 2016, I rolled over in bed, my hand brushed across my right breast and I felt a lump. I had just turned 52. In that one second, my life changed forever. I tried not to panic and hoped that the lump was due to my monthly cycle and would go away. Deep down, I already knew what it was, but I waited a couple of months anyway, which really wasn’t smart. In October I went to the doctor, had a mammogram, and was barely back at work when the doctor called to say my mammogram was “suspicious for cancer.” The very next day I had a biopsy.

I waited five long days for my results. My husband and I were just trying to just get through the weekend and trying to distract ourselves with television, but it was October and October is breast cancer awareness month! Reminders were every place I turned, and pink was everywhere; even the football players had pink shoes and gloves. Pink…Pink…Pink! I know it is dumb, but I was to the point where I hated when friends gave me anything pink.

I was Stage 2, ER+ and HER2-, and subsequently scheduled for a lumpectomy, followed by the placement of a port a couple weeks later. About 10 days after the port was placed, I developed a DVT in my upper arm, which landed me in the hospital for five days; getting out on Christmas Day. There were a lot of discussions about what to do, but ultimately the port was replaced with a PICC line and I had to give myself daily blood thinner injections for two months. I might mention that getting off the couch to stab yourself in the stomach is something that someone going through chemo doesn’t want to deal with!

I endured 16 chemotherapy treatments, followed by 30 radiation treatments, and am currently taking Tamoxifen, which besides some stellar hot flashes, is going okay. I feel like I managed to get through the treatments fairly well and was able to work most of the time. Of course, after work, I had no more energy for anything else. My mom, husband, my work family, and friends were key to keeping me going. We ignored a lot of housework and discovered the joy of on-line grocery shopping. When you are going through something so tough, you just sort of plug away and get through the day.

When I was newly diagnosed, it was terrifying to say the least. You know, at least intellectually, that people survive. But even if I didn’t say it out loud, I was considering the very real possibility that maybe I won’t be around to see what kind of people our grandchildren will grow up to be. You think, will I even be here in a year? But now it is 20-months later, and I am feeling better (not 100%, but better) and I am beginning to feel more hopeful for the future. I am looking forward to learning how to LIVE past my cancer diagnosis, which I am still figuring out. I am appreciating the simple things that we take for granted and want to get healthy and stronger, and hope that I am around to be at my grandchildren’s graduations and weddings. I have tried never to ask God, “Why me?” Instead I think, “Why not me?” I ask for the strength and ability to EMBRACE HOPE and maybe have FAITH and TRUST that things will be okay.

​I think the most important thing that someone newly diagnosed needs to do is to reach out to someone for support and ask for help when you need it. I have met so many lovely, generous women since this journey began who are willing to listen and offer support. I have been taking advantage of the opportunity to attend the Young Cancer Survivor’s support group. For me, the cancer diagnosis made me feel alone and isolated, and I am grateful that there is this group of people that care about other people who are facing such a life-altering challenge.

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